I haven’t changed, I just became more fully myself…

Sometimes I wonder at the person I’ve become. I can remember a time when I was much more empathetic than I am now, a time when I seemed attuned to others. I could read a person’s face and now what they were feeling, I could hear and read past their words and feel their emotion.

I was everyone’s therapist, everyone’s healer. I listened to all of their problems, gave my advice and often helped them solve their problems. But somewhere, something went wrong… Should I say something went wrong? Perhaps that is incorrect. Is it wrong to be different now from what I was then? I think not… It is wrong to have lost my empathy? Again, I think not.

Regardless, somewhere something changed. Maybe I was sick of all the problems that I was forced to deal with, while mine festered–like a grievous wound under a band-aid. Perhaps it was the bitterness I felt when that band-aid came off and no one would listen to me. Maybe it was the sadness of realizing that I couldn’t move to California and live with my dad, as I had wanted. Or maybe it was just my unsatisfying home life at the time.

Whatever the case, I soon stopped caring about everything. One of my close friends at the time was going through a roller coaster relationship with another friend at the time. They were on-again, off-again and I suddenly became so sick of it. Every time she was dumped or she broke up with him, she would become severely suicidal and depressed. I told her that if she was going to kill herself she should go do it and stop bothering me. This was several years ago and I have only just begun to start talking to her again.

My other relationships with people crumbled similarly and I literally became a hermit. There was a period where I can say I had no friends and no confidants. Had I deserted my friends or had they deserted me? Who was to tell? Regardless, I can honestly say that I was happier then than I am currently. Being alone has its advantages.

I am calloused now, battle hardened. I’d like to say that I feel nothing, but this simply isn’t true… But certainly, it takes a lot more than it used to to get me “emotional,” and I have a hard time connecting with and understanding my peers. By peers, I refer to both my age and mental group. Was the trade off–less pain for less compassion–worth it?

Sometimes I sit in bed at night and wonder why things turned out the way they did. And I wonder… did my friends change? Did the people I used to know and care for change? Did I change or did I just more fully become myself?
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