Deezee’s plans after graduation = doomed to failure? + random musings

For a few years now, I’ve been hoping to move down to California and live with my dad. Ever since he moved down there I’ve been wanting to do this. Originally, I wanted to go to high school down there and earn residency for college and live with my dad while I went to college. However, that didn’t work out (unsurprisingly) because my dad can’t really handle finances very well.

Yet, I still hope to move down there when I finish up high school here. He plans to have a mobile home by then, which is at least somewhat of a more permanent fixture than the apartment that he’s operating out of now. I’m a humble person (or at least, more humble than the rest of my family) and living in a mobile home doesn’t bother me as much as it would bother my mother or brother. It wouldn’t bother me at all. Does that mean I have no dignity?

My mom thinks so. Regardless, I still think it’d be a good idea to move down with my dad in a couple of years. There’s some good colleges in California, and if I live with him and go to college, that greatly cuts down on my expenses. At the very least, I’ll live with him while I go to a community college to get my Bachelor’s (and gain residency) and work (to get some money for real college) and then go off to a university.

However, I can’t help but think that this won’t ever happen, and I’ll have to remain up here in Washington. I just have this feeling that my dad will never get the mobile home or when he does get it he’ll be unable to support another person. He just isn’t very good with finances.

I remember being really upset when I got the news (in the summer before my freshman year of high school) that I couldn’t move down with my dad as planned. I realized that I’d have to remain here with people that I didn’t really like, and above all else, with my mom. At the time, she was really horrible… her anger was fueled by the fact that my dad and brother had left and she now had to take care of two kids by herself. While I can empathize with her situation, I can never forgive her actions.

Sometimes I can’t believe that she has the audacity to act like she raised me. This simply isn’t true. My brother did most of the parenting, and beyond that, the internet was more of a parent than either my mother or father was. I’m not exaggerating this, either, whether you want to believe it or not. And I know, I’m starting to sound boderline-teen angst here, but believe you-me, I speak the truth. My mother was always busy with my sister (and later, my brother, as he started to drink and do drugs) and my dad was always tinkering with the computer with little success.

My mother likes to brag about my successes at school, and I can’t help but feel upset at this. It’s not like she ever helped me to succeed. All she ever did was tear me down, and then think all was forgiven by saying “sorry for, you know, back there… earlier…” The only person who I think has the right to feel proud about my successes is my brother, because he’s the one who’s helped me most in my life.

Sometimes I feel like there’s too much faith being placed in me to succeed. People expect big things of me, and sometimes I feel like failing on purpose. Just to show everyone that I’m human and capable of mistakes, too. Not even that… maybe just to let them down, like they’ve let me down. But I know I won’t, because I want to succeed for ME, not for anyone else. Call me selfish, but I’m looking out for number one. And honestly, can you blame me?

Who knows, I still have some “growing” to do. Maybe my narcissistic, cynical outlook on life will change. But then again, I’ve always been fond of those aspects of myself… I truly believe that deep down, everyone wants to look out only for themselves. I’ve just come to embrace this part of me a bit more than your average person. Then again, another part of myself that I value is my integrity…

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