Good news bad news


Good news:

Debate started. I’m glad, I’d forgotten how much I’d missed it. Debate is brain food, it keeps me sharp. I really enjoy hanging out with the people there, even if we don’t necessarily consider ourselves “friends.” I don’t hang out with them outside of debate, which is actually too bad as I’d probably enjoy it. Alas, my social life is nearly non-existent outside of the context of the internet, anyway, so yeah.

I still don’t have a partner but that’s okay, I think that problem is being fix’t. This girl from my science class (sits next to me, OMG LAB PARTNERS) joined debate and wants to do Lincoln-Douglas (solo debate, not as good as policy) but Mr. Mansfield (coach) will probably convince her to do policy and be on my team. Rox! I’m getting rides home with Mansfield too, which is ultra-convenient. Also, I’m like the guy in charge of making sure we get money next year, since I’m on the senate and stuff, so basically I rox.

I started driver’s ed, which means if all goes smoothly, I could have my license in as few as six months from now! I’m pretty excited about that, because that means I’ll probably get to hang out with BLEr’s a bit more often. Cheesy. However, if things don’t go smoothly, it could take much much more time than that. I have a feeling that things’ll be alright though.

I’m all caught up from my backlog of homework and missed tests from when I was absent for a whole week, so I’ve got A’s in all my classes again! It’s important to start with a strong pace because it becomes much easier to keep to that pace.

Last but not least, all my computer worries seem to be behind me. A big thanks goes out to Cody for putting up with a total whiny n00b when it comes to computers. Without him I’d probably still be running on my old rig, that couldn’t even take DDR RAM! Despite some problems with setting the new one up, alls well that ends well and I’m genuinely happy that it’s set up.

Bad News:

Being smart is quickly wearing thin. Everyday I contemplate how much different (and likely, happier) my life would be if I weren’t as intelligent as I am now. I don’t presume to “know everything,” and I don’t (often <_
I’m coming to believe more and more everyday that ignorance really IS bliss. I can remember a time when I didn’t know nearly as much as I do now (and I’m not talking about just academia, I’m talking about knowledge of the way things work and knowledge of my family) and I was also a lot happier back then. I used to be one of the most popular kids in my elementary school. At the risk of sounding arrogant, if I was ever absent for a few days (like I usually am) a flock of kids would usually crowd me as I got off the bus. Yes, I was popular once. Even in middle school I had some degree of popularity — everyone seemed to know my name, that kind of thing. However, 7th grade is also about the time things started going downhill and I became less and less social and more and more concerned about my future and about my family.

And now in highschool, I can honestly say I’ve reached the point where I have no friends. I know, that makes me boderline whiny-emo-goth-whore, but I’m willing to take that risk to get some stuff off my chest. Sure, there’s people I sit next to at lunch, and there’s people that I talk to in my classes, but they’re not friends. Not friends in that I really care about what happens to them… not friends in that I help them with their problems and they help me with theirs… not friends in that they’re the people I turn to when something goes wrong in my life and I just need someone to listen to me. There’s people I talk to online even, yet there’s only one who I’d call a friend at this point. (No Cody sorry not you it’s Kai.) Perhaps my criteria for a friend is too high or perhaps I’m just too self-contained, but either way that’s the way I feel about things. Even in this blog I haven’t really admitted much — I’d admit this much to a person if they so much as asked me to. That’s why I’m typing this in my blog — it’s something that I can link to when someone asks me “how are you feeling?”… something I can link to so that the link says “fine” but they click it and realize I’m not. Just because I’m sarcastic like that.

What really irks me is that all of my acquaintances are having girlfriends just flock to them. Despite their glaring flaws, like being unable to hold a good conversation, or wasting all of their money on pot, or just being generally pretty “slow,” they still get girls left and right. Hell, even Carson, who is revered as the smartest kid in our school (which I would argue but I won’t for this particular blog) gets girls, if only because his extracurricular activities are more socially acceptable than mine. Whereas I’m into computers, video games, writing and debate, he does soccer, extreme sports (mostly snowboarding/skiing), and cross country… although he too is into computers. It turns out that this girl that’s been in my class for the past two years and who I’ve been helping out nearly every day with work/etc has a crush on Carson. I can’t help but feel a little disappointed when that kind of thing happens… I’m too nerdy even for the girls who like nerdy guys. It helps that he’s rich, I guess. I might’ve been into snowboarding/skiing/etc if my parents got me into it and had the money for me to do it. I might’ve been taking advanced courses if my parents would’ve let me and had the money to pay the testing fees. He argues that he isn’t rich when he owns a house that’s about 4,000 square feet on the lake shore.

On top of that, my free time is quickly dwindling. While that’s not such a big deal, I do enjoy a certain amount of leisure time. I do like to sit back and relax and get a few frags in Counter Strike or improve my Ninja Gaiden skills, but lately I’ve been coming home so worn out from classes, homework, catching up, and my mild angst that I just kinda sit in front of my monitor until I get tired enough to go to bed. I really do want to write and finish my book, but if I’m too brain dead to even play some video games, I’m far too brain dead to start on my book.

And while all of this builds up, I still have to worry about my family. My sister, as I’ve come to learn piece by piece over the past few years, is a large slut. As awful as it sounds, this does not concern me in the least. I suspected that she might become so much, and I never did have a strong bond with her. She was always a bitch to me, despite how nice I might try to be to her. I’d try and help her with math homework and she’d only get frustrated with me and get angry with me. And for the longest time (even now) she got away with murder–anything she did she would be “punished” for, but the “punishment” was always relieved within days, if not hours. My mom would always vent her frustrations over my sister and my brother out on ME! I never did a fucking thing to earn that kind of hatred. I’m the only fucking kid she’ll ever have that will ever be ANYTHING and I’m the one she has the worst relationship with. Excuse the terminology in which I describe her, but she’s a two faced bitch. (See also one incident in one day of my life: a typical day. Keep in mind this kind of stuff happens all the time.) In fact it’s this kinda thing that my blog is about.

Before I begin I’d just like to note that she really IS two faced. Even if I tried to tell my friends how much a bitch my mom is, it’s really impossible to do so. When you meet her, you’ll think she’s one of the nicest, coolest moms in the world. That’s because she’s really nice to strangers/people who aren’t in our family. It’s like she saves up all the frustration and annoyances she has with other people and vents it all over the people living with her. Hell, she even vents frustrations she has with people living with her on other people living with her (IE frustrations about my brother and sister are vented on me).

Let me just go over my day today. I wake up about five minutes late, and of course it’s unwritten that I’m supposed to get everyone else up (via means of my taking a routine shower that wakes the house up because we have bad plumbing). So immediately going into my day I know I’m gonna be blamed by SOMEONE for them running late. True to form, as we’re getting in the car about to go to the bus stop (because my sister was running late) I get blamed for my sister for her inadequacy to get herself up. Then I get to ride in the back of the bus which means I have to listen to rap music that’s played far too loudly on people’s shitty headphones while said people try to smoke and be “gangsta” and generally think they’re badasses (keep in mind this is BELLINGHAM, WASHINGTON. In no way at all a town where there’s gangs or any kind of that activity. It’s a great town don’t get me wrong, but it’s often ruined by idiots like these kids).

School goes rather smoothly. Not TOO much homework, etc. No social life but I don’t mind. I often can keep myself comforted with thoughts of my future successes (which I make myself believe are not only possible, but imminent). I look forward to the end of the day because sometimes there’s this girl I know who sits next to me and usually sits pretty close. It’s not gonna go anywhere (she has a boyfriend) but hey, it’s the closest I get to girls on a daily basis. -_-

I come home and generally avoid being upstairs, as that’s the domain of my mom and sister. I get online for a bit just to relax, then I go do some homework (finish up all my Algebra stuff). I come back and play some games, anxiously awaiting my driver’s ed class in a few hours. I go upstairs to make a sandwich, and just double check with my mom that she knew I had class and knew she had to pay. She flips out at me and tells me “I KNOW HOW TO RUN MY OWN FUCKING LIFE THANK YOU VERY MUCH” and mutters various obscenities under her breath. If that sentiment were true, she’d remember to pick me up for debate (I know, it’s hard to forget that I have it every week), or remember to pick me up after school when I have to make up tests and call her twice that day and leave messages both times on all her phones. But hey, she can run her life, so I better stop trying to help her out by reminding her of things (ONCE).

So I go back downstairs for a while, but am called back up to fix Jeff’s computer. Jeff is my step-dad, FYI. His computer is also a real piece. Even worse than mine, and despite his extensive education, he seems to be unfit for maintaining it. And despite the fact that I never use it, it’s another unwritten rule that I have to fix it. However, not this particular time. Instead, my mom just wanted to call me up about 10 minutes before we were to leave so she could bitch about how slow it was running and how late we were going to be because of it. She and I both know it’s my sister’s fault that the computer runs bad (on top of Jeff’s as well) and yet I take all the flak for it. Even while in the car she still goes off about how slow it was running and how pissed she was. Occasionally she would just pound the steering wheel and yell obscenities, and most of the ride was passed in deafening silence. Except for when she muttered more obscenities under her breath, revealing how worthless she thought I was. Then she gets really frustrated with simple mishaps that happen while driving (and vents on us), but worst of all was she couldn’t find the driver’s ed place for about five minutes. The tension was so thick in the van… She was screaming and yelling like it was my fault we were lost (when she had chosen the school without any real input from me). At one point she yelled “keep your fucking eyes peeled!” when I was already visibly searching for the school. We find it within five minutes and only had to turn around once.

Class was alright but I was stuck with a bunch of kids I don’t know and there’s these two semi-annoying girls who basically define the typical high-school prep girl that kept laughing and talking the whole time.

When I come back, I try to tell my mom the things I’ll need to get done in order to receive my license. I reminded her that I’ll need 20 hours of driving with her before I can take my 4th drive with the class, and I’ll need an additional 30 hours before I can get my intermediate license in 6 months. She again yells at me (with obscenities laced throughout) about how far off that is and how much she doesn’t care. She’s also trying to get me to ask my debate coach if I can’t squeeze in a few drive hours with him. When we stop so she can get milk and I can get a bite to eat, I ask my sister if my mom’s been a bitch all day. She responds “only around you.” Great.

When I get home at 9 PM, I take it upon myself to fix the upstairs computer despite the fact I don’t really have to. Yet this pisses my mom off because she has to take the dog out. I can never win with her. I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t. Anyway, this starts her off on another tirade about how worthless my sister and I are (me in particular), which I saw coming a mile away. I end up spending an hour trying to fix the upstairs computer, in part because it’s so slow. I don’t get a single thank-you. Instead, I’m met with “I wonder if what you’re doing to this fucking computer is making things worse.” “Mom, I’m removing spyware.” “Well I don’t know what the fuck that is!” I explained it to her just a few days ago. If she doesn’t trust me to fix the computer, why does she ask me? Why does she let me? Hesus Krist.

So I finally get to come down to my room at 10 PM, where I get online and talk to Nick for a little bit. I’ve been writing this blog for roughly an hour. I was supposed to do some homework but I’ve put it off until morning. Sigh. I’ve got debate tomorrow, hopefully that’ll cheer me up. i{content: normal !important}i{content: normal !important}

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