Wonder if anyone’ll read this, it’s been so long.
Anyway, life has been going relatively good, as compared to the last 6 years of my existence. Sorry if that sounded emo, but even I’m susceptible to teen angst. I just hate being home… something about my mother and the tension I feel around here has permeated everything in my life and particularly in my house. I haven’t been sleeping or eating regularly lately (as in, for the past few months) and I can’t focus at all at home.
I’m beginning to rethink my direction in life. Do I really want to be a writer? No one seems to be captivated or interested in what I write. If that’s the case, what’s the point of writing? Bringing up these concerns with my friends doesn’t really help, because they all tell me that I should be writing for myself. I do write for myself, I often enjoy writing my stories… but I get discouraged when no one else enjoys them.
Something happened to me a few weeks ago that’s still affecting me. I’m not sure if I wrote about it, and I’m not sure who I told, so here it is: Someone called the school and told the administration that if “John Donner had a gun, he’d take it to school and shoot others as well as himself.” This has been affecting me because I know that kind of thing goes on your permanent record, and I know that the administration is watching me (as is the school resource officer) and will probably read this post.
I know who made the call, and I’m just disappointed. I know I made some bad choices regarding that person — I wasn’t always the nicest person that I could be. Then again, I never did anything deserving of what she did to me. Doing wrong only begets more wrong, so I’m not going to be seeking any kind of revenge. Not that it would be that hard to get her into trouble, considering she parties and does multiple drugs all the time (and any investigation into the matter would likely get her busted). Not only is this affecting my scholastic life, it has invaded my personal life — Haley’s parents have heard about it, my boss has heard about it, etc. My reputation has been damaged by slander.
Sometimes I can’t help but feel a little lost in life. Despite what my age group might think, there’s a whole lot to life, and I’m only on the tip of the iceberg (having lived in Bellingham my whole life). Unlike my peers however, I haven’t had anyone to hold my hand up to this point… Only one person ever really did that for me (my brother) and he ended up being a worthless drunk. One of the things I want right now is a mentor. Someone older who could be my guide of sorts, I suppose. Sorta like what a parent should be (aside from a genetic legacy). However, all of the older people I know seem to treat me more like an equal, which is good and I’m glad for… but I’m also scared, because I’m 16 and someone out there should know more than me and be able to give me advice. Right?
Nate’s moving in June, and I likely won’t see him again for quite some time. I’ll see him in August at PAX, but beyond that who knows? Perhaps again at the next PAX… anyway, that’s discouraging because Nate and I were just becoming pretty good friends. (I feel it important to note the 9 year age gap between us.) My other good friends all live quite a ways away from me, which sucks. And then there’s people I’m unsure of where I stand with them (mostly because they’re teachers), so, yeah.
I really wish I could move out. I’d like to be able to find a better paying job (I make about $8 an hour right now, but I only work for 9 hours a week or so) and then try to possibly move out with Cody or something. But that’s a silly pipe dream. Maybe I should look up some laws or something and see if my mom has done anything illegal to me… emotional abuse should be illegal, if tough to prove. If it came down to it, maybe my brother, dad and sister would testify or something. Probably not illegal though.
I can’t seem to do anything right. Can’t make my mom happy, I can’t seem to earn much respect, my reputation gets ruined by crap like what that girl made up about me, can’t tell if I’m doing alright with Haley, I might be neglecting my friends, I can’t sleep, I don’t eat, I’m losing interest in the things that I used to be passionate about… Sometimes, late at night, I really miss my brother. He hasn’t called since the last time, which was in January sometime I think… he called my mom and said “FUCK YOU, I DON’T NEED YOU OR RON OR ROSS!” Ron being his biological father and Ross being my biological father. We haven’t heard from him since… and when he called, he’d been in dire straits via having been on a drinking binge and his girlfriend had just left him. He’s attempted suicide in the past, and sometimes I worry he might try again…
People, even those close to me, have said I’m heartless and incapable of loving other people. One person once said of me that my goal in life was to “Die alone without emotional attachments, just to say “Fuck off” to everyone who said you’d eventually fall in love.” The truth of the matter is that I burn myself out on the people I care about… I care about them so much that I can’t possibly bring myself to care about any other people lest I end up just being ruined. I grow sick with worry and concern for other people, to the point where worry and concern for myself tend not to matter to me. Then I am worried and concerned about the fact that the people I kill myself over think I’m a heartless bastard. It’s enough to make you stop and think about what you’re doing and what you should be doing.
All I’ve tried to do in this world is the right thing. No one ever tells me I’m doing the right thing.