So here’s what my life boils down to of late:

What video game to play. Seriously.

There’s just so many choices. Let’s examine them in depth, shall we?

Breakdown (XBox):
Perhaps the best shitty game I’ve yet played. Got it for 8 bucks. Level design stinks worse than my armpits, the main character is the least inquisitive amnesiac this side of Keanu Reeves (okay, Keanu Reeves isn’t an amnesiac, but god damn if he isn’t a moron), and the plot is filled with more holes than the corpses you leave in your wake. But hey, it was $8 and it looks kinda pretty.

Devil May Cry 3 (PS2):
I don’t know why I haven’t beaten this yet. Oh wait, yes I do — it’s harder than a Magic the Gathering champion in a strip club. Even on Easy difficulty, this game makes me its bitch. I’m stuck on level 9 where I’m getting dominated by some red-haired vampire chick. While that may be the fantasy of countless nerds everywhere, it’s not exactly mine. But the game is still awesome anyway. Just take the first cutscene: Dante, the main character, is stabbed through the chest with about 8 scythes. He doesn’t even flinch. He then proceeds to beat the fuck out of the demons assaulting him (with just his hands and feet) before going over to turn on some “tunes.” He eats some pizza, shoots some more demons in the face… He eventually ends up using pool balls(!) to kill a few. He finally grabs his sword and lays some more smackdown, then the game switches over and lets you play. Sadly, in-game Dante doesn’t seem to be as impervious to scythe-impalement, as I learned the hard way.

Ninja Gaiden Black (Xbox):
Not quite as hard as DMC3… at least not on Normal difficulty. I can’t even get past the first god damned level on Hard. And don’t get me started on “Mission” mode. Mission mode is like asking for a spike-fisted enema. “Hey, let’s just drop the player into a room filled with monsters… and maybe two or three bosses. Then, let’s call it a mission.” Fuck you, Team Ninja.

I’m too lazy to write about the rest. But here they are in no particular order: Day of Defeat Source, Half Life 2, Star Ocean (2 and Til the End of Time), Ogre Battle, Ogre Battle 64, Tactics Ogre… I’m sure I’m forgetting some.


Anywho. I haven’t written too much in my novel, lately. Been busy. However… Next month is national write a novel month. Mayhap I should try to finish my novel next month?

I’m stoked.

I’ve been inspired. I have started writing again! I just wrote 2,000 words. I couldn’t be more excited. I wrote 2,000 words and the prologue isn’t done yet. My vision is coming together finally. Don’t ask me to read it until it’s done. I can’t bare to have people read it before it’s done. There will be too many questions. You have to read it as a whole. You can’t just read it piecemeal.

The tale of Seth Vidar will finally be told.

I still have more work to do on the prologue but I’m a bit too tired. I don’t have a title appropriate for the piece. I’ve never had a title appropriate for the piece. I bet none of you care anyway. But I care. This represents about seven years of my seventeen on this planet. It is my life’s work, if I have one. And I might complete it! And soon! I’m going to try and write everyday for an hour or two. And maybe I’ll finish. And then I’ll go back and edit. And then maybe a few select people can read it.

Seth Vidar…! Finally…and John Rankor… and Raine Vigros…and Xaos…and Lans Igal…and the Fallen…and the Crimson Void…and the Eternity Tear…and Zenerth…and Mallintire…and the Genesis…the Bodies…the Souls…the Archetype…the original sin…the Betrayal…the Betrayers…the truth…the lies…Athanathius…Zaos…The Great Purge…Saiful Daedalus…Death Hunter…The Monolith…The Exemplar…the conflict…the battle…the sacrifices… IT WILL ALL BE TOLD!

If you’ve read anything by me before, YOU HADN’T EVEN SCRATCHED THE SURFACE AT WHAT I WAS TRYING TO GET AT. But now, I feel confident I’ll finally write the story I’ve been trying to write. Today is a momentous day.

I do believe this needs to be shared.

[02:59 PM] Blegh
[03:00 PM] That was…humiliating.
[03:00 PM] What?
[03:00 PM] You know the ‘humiliating training’ bit that shounen heroes get to go through?
[03:00 PM] This was like that.
[03:00 PM] I got to run around a pond barefoot trying to capture large spiky fish with my bare hands.
[03:00 PM] …why?
[03:01 PM] Because I was told to.
[03:01 PM] …By who?
[03:02 PM] My parents.
[03:05 PM] Wait. I don’t get it. Why did you have to do this.
[03:05 PM] Aside from being told to do so.
[03:05 PM] The parents told me to. I don’t want to get thrown out.
[03:05 PM] I’m still trying to figure this out.
[03:05 PM] What could prompt them to need you to perform such shanningans?
[03:05 PM] They need amusement.
[03:06 PM] ...wait a second, you aren't serious are you?  They send you into the middle of muddy waters trying to catch spiky fish that hurt you... because they're bored?
[03:07 PM] on threat of you being kicked out?
[03:09 PM] I want an answer to that question.
[03:11 PM] Well.
[03:11 PM] The pond is drying up.
[03:11 PM] They have little to do.
[03:11 PM] So they decided they might as well spend their time 'catching the fish'.
[03:11 PM] However, they're old and fat and out of shape.
[03:12 PM] So 'them doing something' = 'them supervising ME doing something'.

Nothing is as it seems.

There’s an age old adage that goes something like this: you never get what you want. While not true of everything (one time, I wanted this video game, so I bought it) I contend that it is true of the most important thing of all: unequivocal happiness. In order to be happy, I argue that one needs true love in their life, at least one other person who understands him or her, and to be satisfied with oneself. You can never be truly, singularly happy. In fact, happiness is but an illusion. Maintaining happiness is maintaining a cleverly told lie. In order to be “happy,” one must deceive oneself into believing they have all three of the criterion mentioned above.

True love is (let’s face it, kiddies) damn near impossible to find. Love between man and woman is impossible because women are crazy and can’t be understood, predicted, or depended upon. Or, at least, not any of the women I’ve met and know well enough to pass judgment on. Another rather common trait among women I’ve observed is an affinity for manipulation. Women enjoy lying to you, taking advantage of you, coercing you, and using you to their own ends. However, you kind of have to let them do these things (being a nice guy, I always try to give ladies the benefit of the doubt) to you, and until the very end they’ll try and convince you they aren’t lying to you, or using you, or manipulating you…let’s be honest, they’re not (honest). But, I’m not just talking about the love shared between partners. I’m also talking about the kind of love that should be bestowed upon a child by their parents, the kind of love that should exist in families. Even in “good” families, I doubt if true love exists. Do the parents love their children regardless of what kind of homeless, drug-addicted bums the kids might become? Do the siblings love each other without jealousy or contempt? Show me a family with true love and I’ll show you a family with subtle dysfunction. I prefer my family to that kind: at least my family is predictably crappy and I can depend upon them to suck; rather than having a family that you can’t count on for anything.

Perhaps true love is unattainable because humans can’t be understood by other humans. This is due in part to the fact that everyone is unique, in some way. One person’s concept of love is not the same as another person’s; one person’s concept of happiness is not the same as another person’s. Yet there are no words that exist to paint these varying degrees of love and happiness, and so at best we get by with crude generalizations of our feelings and emotions. How can one ever be understood when, at best, one can only stumble (drunkenly) across the gap between minds, creating a path to “understanding” by bludgeoning away with the crude implements of language? I once had someone who I thought understood me very well. Yet, then, I met another person who I thought understood me in a different way, and better than the last. And again I met someone else who yet understood me in another way, and better than the two before. Then I had an epiphany: no one can understand you if you can’t understand yourself. And who among us truly understands themself? Show me someone who understands themself, and I’ll show you the wisest person I’ve ever known.

I’ve always maintained that happiness stems from self satisfaction. If you are not satisfied with yourself, how can you ever hope to achieve happiness? To stake your happiness on anything else, be it success in business, in love, or in friendship, seems futile and foolhardy. Yet, how can you be satisfied with yourself if you want love and can’t find it? If you desire the truest of friends and have none? If your ambition is to be successful and all you can muster is failure? How, then, will you ever be satisfied with yourself? Self satisfaction is, to a point, dependent on the previous two criterion: finding true love and being understood. Unless you are the rare type of individual who can be content even without success, love, or understanding. Through the goal of self-betterment (and the upholding of virtues such as honesty and integrity) I’ve found that I can be fairly content with myself. Even still I want for love, I want for understanding, and I want for success. I seem unable to achieve any of these goals. When not thinking on my failures, I fancy myself ‘happy’ and content.

I conclude that happiness is merely an illusion. In order to maintain it, you must ignore the fact that you’re missing some (or all) of the criterion, or more dangerous still, lie to yourself and tell yourself you do have all the criterion! Lie to yourself, and tell yourself that she really does love you, that your friends really do understand you, and that there’s nothing you could do to make yourself more content. These lies are dangerous because they ignore the root of the problem, the root of your unhappiness. By ignoring your problems they fester and become worse, and you set yourself up only for disappointment. I would rather live in a state of an honest unhappiness than a perpetual sham of a happiness.

Why am I still awake.


I haven’t been to school since Tuesday. Been “sick.”

And I just spent about an hour browsing MySpace. Looked at the pages of a bunch of a people I used to know. People who used to “love” me. Haha!

MySpace is funny.

Oh I made an emo blog on MySpace too, just because I can.

Anyway I think I’m going to go play videogames until my alarm clock goes off and then I’m going to take a shower.

After that, my good friend Nick will pick me up and whisk me away to the movie theater where I will watch Serenity. And then I’ll come home. And sleep. After that I’ll wake up and do homework and sleep again.

After that I’ll go to school. Exciting.