Holy crap I suck.

I haven’t seriously done homework, like, at home, since October, I think.

That was right around the time I lost an important friend. Probability of a statistical correlation: quite high.

I’ve been meaning to update for you all, but I don’t have much to say. I guess I’ll comment on something that’s been bothering me a bit lately (whilst simultaneously coining a phrase): half-friends. And that’s a “friend” in a much broader sense than I usually define friends. (People tend to define a “friend” much more broadly than I do.)

So a half-friend must really suck in my book, right? And right you are. These are the people you can’t quite qualify as acquaintances because you know them a bit better than that, maybe had a good chat or two, but you can’t qualify as friends because you’ve only had that one good chat (or two). And the relationship dies there. My whole life is filled with potentially great friendships that died in the half-friend phase.

There are tons of people at my school I’d love to be friends with. I think they’re all amazing in their own ways. I’ll concede that I’m smart, sure, but that’s not as impressive as being TALENTED. There are so many talented people at my school, and I’d LOVE to get the chance to talk to them, talk to them about their talents and passions and about how they see the world and maybe understand where they discovered their talent. Instead, I have this reputation as an unapproachable asshole (my own fault) so nobody’s going to come up to me for a chat.

I’ve mentioned before that I can go through whole days without speaking a word to another soul. That’s still largely true, in school at least. Once I get home and get online, there are people that might message me now, though that’s not a guarantee. But at school, it’s very easy to go through a day without saying anything if I want to.

If I want to talk to these fascinating people, I have to initiate the conversations. So, I try to. But they clearly aren’t interested, especially at school. Image is everything, and being seen with JJ Durden? Screw that. That guy’s a jerk. A nerd. An eccentric. You can’t be seen with him. So I try alternative forms of communication. Email. The phone. Instant messengers. MySpace (sigh).

And sometimes I hit pay dirt: a reply! A real reply, damn it. Somebody writes back! Holy shit! What do I do now? Read it? Yes, that’s it John! Read the message! Wow, they really are as interesting as you thought they could be! Holy crap, they can spell (for the most part)! Wow, they used a word you have to look up because it’s been so long since you’ve heard it!

So you write a reply. You write a bit too much, divulge a bit too much. They reply, shorter now than the first reply. And you write back, and you try to keep your message shorter so as not to scare them off. But the damage is done, you’ve come on too strong, they won’t talk to you again.

But wait! They claim they’re still interested! They’re just busy, you see. Busy. And they’ll be busy for the next week. Busy for the next month. Busy for the next semester. Busy for the next year. And the next year. And busy for every year since you’ve been in high school. And during the summer? They’re still busy, you see. Don’t you understand? They like you. They’re just busy, darling.

That is the half-friend. They’re not really even half-friends. They’re dishonest liars. They put you off for as long as they can. They lead you on; they make you believe that a friendship is possible when really they have no interest. They’re too mild mannered to admit the fact that they can’t stand you. They “don’t want to hurt your feelings.”

What hurts more? Being told to fuck off in one day after building up the courage of trying to talk to someone for a week, or being led for a year and continually building up that courage to keep writing messages and calling and trying to get something rolling only to be put off again and again? Just as time can heal wounds, it can sharpen the ones that are continually reopened.

You wake up one morning and you have an epiphany. That person doesn’t ACTUALLY like you. One can’t possibly be THAT busy. So busy that one can’t find twenty minutes between now and next February to write you an email more substantive than “I’m busy, I’ll talk to you later?” Nobody is that busy. The truth is, that person doesn’t care. These people don’t want to be your friends. They want you to like them, but they don’t care about being your friend.

I have far too many half friends. And to be perfectly honest, I’ve shed far too many tears over them. I always have and I likely always will. What prompted this? None of these half friends take the effort to read this blog, which in part exists for them. Everyday I hope that one of these half friends would take the plunge and click the link. Take that first step and, maybe, become a real friend?

Alas, it hasn’t happened. It won’t happen. But that’s okay. Maybe it’s better that way.

::EDIT:: Maybe I have a lot to say. I just don’t like to say it. I’m eternally introverted. This blog was a lot longer than I originally intended when I started the post – I figured I’d write two or three lines and get back to you all later. Har har. I’ll leave you with this old blog:

:. If Deezee were a goth whore: || 08/12/2004 – 11:06 AM

My life is like a box of leftover pizza. What’s gone is lost forever and what’s there has suffered irrevocable damage. Though you could stick it in the microwave and attempt to save it, it’ll never taste as good as when it was from the oven. It’s cold and lifeless, and eventually it’ll mold.

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