2:25 AM. Why don’t I have confidants?

I used to have them. Confidants, in case you don’t read blog titles, you see. But what happened? I don’t quite know. I have suspicions, of course, but everyone has those.

I suspect that my parent’s divorce has a lot to do with it. Not directly, of course. But during that time, I became extremely jaded as the misconceptions I’d created during my childhood were forcefully thrown in my face. We weren’t a happy little family, my brother wasn’t the hero I’d made him out to be, my dad wasn’t the “man” I thought he was, and my mother was more human than monster (which made her harder to cope with — a monster can be written off, but a human is much more sympathetic). The upshot of all that was my increased cynicism and sociopathic tendancies – I became very rude, vulgar, and just plain nasty.

And why not? I’m still pretty irritable and untolerating at my worst. Things or people that annoy me often unfairly earn my ire, which can be pretty brutal – I was “trained” by mom, who is a master of her craft. I couldn’t and can’t stand ignorance. Rather than root it out by seeking honest and intellectual discourse with my peers, I called them morons. Calling them morons was way easier, and I’m pretty lazy.

But that’s probably why I don’t have confidants, and why I get lonely in the wee hours of the night. I have trust issues, see. It’s not hard to trust this blog, really, because for the most part the people who read it are nameless and faceless. Certain people I know in real life read what I write but don’t confront me with my own thoughts, and so I don’t have to worry about writing what I want to in my blog. If they do confront me, I just answer their questions vaguely or avoid them outright. I can’t even trust my brother properly sometimes – yes, I suck.

I trusted Haley almost completely and shouldn’t have, because she betrayed it. Now I have even more of a problem trusting people, and in common tongue: that sucks and is not nice (may even be bad!).

So instead of having confidants, I just have people whose essays I read and edit in the wee hours of the morning. Then I try to say a little something here and there to them, hardly a slice of the things I want to share with someone (anyone really), and that’s that. Sometimes they respond, sometimes they don’t.

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You are now behind the Iron Curtain — well, not really. The Iron Curtain was the “wall” that seperated the East from the West in the Cold War. Here, I use the phrase to denote the hypothetical wall I’m attempting to construct to keep malefactors in my life out of the loop. Chief among them would be Haley, who has been bothering me far too much of late with information she just shouldn’t know about me, and not far behind her is my mother. I’d like to discuss certain things about my brother, but she needs to be kept out of the loop about him, and so the need for a new blog arose.

I trust you all not to really talk about anything you read here. You are my silent audience. (Well, any of you that know me in real life, anyway. Those that don’t, it doesn’t matter so much.)

I will be updating this blog more often than I updated my old one. It will probably be slightly less interesting to read — more of a personal journal than a “blog” that I try to keep humorous or insightful or interesting to the public, because my readership has shrunk and has virtually no potential for growth. I’m not aiming to please with this blog – I’m aiming to document. That’s not to say that I won’t try and write something funny or insightful every now and again… but you’ve been forewarned that this page probably won’t be the most entertaining reading of your day.

I would start off with a bit more, but it doesn’t feel right just yet. So for now, I’ll let this post linger. Expect another post in a week or so, and I’ll try to make weekly posts a habit. If you would like to be notified via email when I update, go ahead and email me the address that you would like to receive notifications. You should already have my email address, and if you don’t, I don’t really know how you got here.
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