Self reflection is a tough, painful task.

I ran out of ‘easy’ Dead Men Tell No Tale episodes. In order to move forward with the saga, I’d need to sift through the 60 megs or so of chat logs I have stored on my computer. There’s a lot of good stuff on there, but the problem is, there’s just too much of it. What do I throw up here as interesting material? What do I let stagnate on my harddrive forever?

Furthermore, is it even worth the bother? I learn new things about my old self everyday, but the memories are painful. There is a reason I can’t remember anything before 2004, and I think it should stay that way. (I can’t really even remember much from before 2006, to be completely honest!) 
I don’t really even know why I keep a blog, to be honest. It is a curious thing to me that other people are interested in it – this was largely meant for myself, to sort out my sordid past and try to make sense of it. I explained to Kai the other night the way I view my own life – I remember it as a somewhat disjointed saga of various episodes. The KL Episode, the Sara Episode, the RF Episode, and so on. Problem with this is, I have absolutely zero appreciation for the chronology of my life, and how these different sagas intertwined and influenced each other.
That was the primary motivation for DMTNT, as I could look up the dates of various things I’d said and done and organize these events here on this site, and try to understand myself better. But I’m remembering something I wanted forgotten. It is extremely paradoxical – having experienced these tragedies, I wanted nothing more than to forget them. Having forgotten them, I yearned to remember. Having remembered them, I wish I hadn’t. Will this cycle continue on forever? How can I break it?
I am afraid of looking at my log with Haley.
Incidentally, I had my first experience with alcohol this weekend. Nothing tremendous – a few beers and a light buzz. The most noteworthy part of the experience was the EXTREME DEPRESSION I felt after leaving my buddies. I thought I was tired, so I left their room and came to mine. Not yet tired enough to hop straight into the rack, I got online real quick to see if there was anyone I could talk to (hey, I drank tonight, lol!) but there was none. I became extremely lonely and started shooting off emails. Yeaaaah. Bad idea.

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