Excising the fat

I don’t know why I constantly feel the need to tighten the clamp of my social circle so much so as to squeeze out everyone but a handful of people, but I’m in one of those moods again.

I have about fifty friends left on Facebook and it feels like too much since I really only regularly talk to Kai. I’ve deleted many people on AIM – though in my old days I would have BLOCKED them too. I’ve gotten better about that, at least. They can still message me if they want, I guess, but that’s just the thing – they clearly don’t want to.
I spend a lot of time on OkCupid for no fucking reason at all. I have no idea what I’m looking for on there but it’s doubtful I’ll find it. 
Alcohol is a bad idea for me, for it only heightens my sullen mood (which I enjoy, strangely).
I wish I were happy, not so much so that I could be happy, but so that certain people would like me. What a retarded statement – I clearly wouldn’t BE happy if I just wish I were happy so other people would like me, and their liking me probably wouldn’t make me happy either. This is clearly an example of me not knowing what I want.
I do know that if I HAD to travel back in time, I would change a lot of things. Given the option to travel back in time, I’m not sure that I would. Is that strange? I’d rather not have been born at all, to be completely honest, and sometimes I’d rather just be dead (though I’d never kill myself). Life seems like one big endurance test.

8 thoughts on “Excising the fat

  1. I feel angry reading this, “and sometimes I'd rather just be dead” you are so lucky to be alive as the human you are. next time you are born it may be as an ant or a fly so don't take it for granted. I'm confused why you would say this considering you know first hand (due to the experiences you have been exposed to) that people are way worse off then you ever have been.

  2. Allyse –

    Thanks for the feedback. It means a lot to me when people actually read what I write and respond to it.

    That being said… sometimes, I get into my own funk. When I wrote this, I wasn't in the best of places. Sure, it's only a couple of months old. I'd like to pretend I'm a lot stronger than I really am, and sometimes I crack. I'm human.

    Trust me, I am fully cognizant of how lucky I am to be the benefactor of my own genetic lottery – just to be born in America, for instance. This is exactly why I won't do anything to end my own life. As I wrote for one of my classes: “to commit suicide would be selfish and weak – the hardship I have to overcome to live is usually mental and emotional, and to waste a life by succumbing to such things would be an insult to the lives that never even get a chance due to physical hardships (including poor health at birth).”

    So, because I have to live, that means that I purpose my life in such a way as to try and improve the lives of others – and not in superficial ways, but in meaningful ways. This doesn't mean I'm always “nice” and so forth – it means that I try to make people abandon their prejudices, see the world in better ways, encourage and assist them in getting an education, allow them to live in my house for free when need be, and more recently – researching charities that are solvent so I can donate to them.

    None of this, however, means I “want” to be alive – ie, that I “enjoy” living and find great day to day “happiness.” I am, most of the time, content. So, when I say “I'd rather just be dead,” it's more or less a complaint – I wish I had some happiness. While I may be better off than a lot of people in poorer nations, in some ways I feel worse off – I have no family to speak of, my life has been very loveless. Living for ideals alone can, at times, be less than fulfilling.

    Anyway, I don't know if you'll read all of that, but perhaps that clears up some of your confusion. My desire for death is a natural expression of a desire to escape suffering – sometimes, the world beats me down, and in my weaker moments, it seems like death is the only way out. There's no censorship on this blog – when I am feeling a certain way and feel the need to write it down, I do. But it doesn't necessarily represent how I feel “all the time.”

  3. Oh, yes, another contributing factor to the absence of happiness in my life is unrequited love. Not only has my life been fairly loveless, it has also been colored (for many years) by the uniquely painful experience of unrequited (and often, unexpressed!) love.

    I don't know if you've ever tried to love someone without them knowing it – for fear that your love might scare them away, which has its own painful implications – but it isn't easy. I only just recently distanced myself from that, and I am very much prone to limerance. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limerance

    I have to stop myself from caring too much about people, for the sake of myself and them. It's a delicate balance.

  4. First of allllll… thanks for adding the Wikipedia link. You know me too well I don't think I have ever heard that word in my life. Secondly, it IS an uncensored blog and that's awesome you can put your self out there like that. I'm not saying you are wrong I'm just challenging it because well I actually think your wrong ;). But finally, if you aren't happy because of lack of family, love, what have you, then change it. Find family, love, etc. and make something out of nothing. Easier said then done? duh! But you are a stronger person ever day like you mentioned so I guess what I mean is what are you waiting for? The things that make life worth living aren't handed to you. Or anyone. If they were then they wouldn't be so special. You know what I mean? I know this is just one blog post and all but I sense you have this feeling in your overall tone for life. So shake that off and move on. Maybe you need to finish that book so you can put that part of your life behind you… and so you can sell it and make millions (but if you do you have to give me a portion because I encouraged you to do so…just FYI). NO ONE WILL LOVE YOU IF YOU CAN'T LOVE YOURSELF!

  5. Allyse –

    I hadn't heard of limerance either, until someone linked me. I figure most people haven't heard of it – it's a relatively new idea with little literature on it. There are critics, of course, but I felt like it described perfectly the condition I've found myself in several times in life.

    Our little conversation here caused me to think more on the subject and so I wrote this post: http://jjdurden.blogspot.com/2009/10/zen-in-art-of-desire.html

    It's not that I don't love myself – it's more, I think, that I'm just realistic. I think a lot of people don't confront their own inner problems and try to hide or mask them. It is common, I think, to worry like this: “Will s/he like me if s/he knows this or that about me?” My strategy is to just sort of broadcast everything about me. If people don't like me when I'm being my most honest and the most true to myself, then it would be hard to have a meaningful relationship of any sort with them. I am a fan of deep and meaningful relationships – I like to know and understand people as well as I can, and I like to feel understood. I don't like having to censor my own thoughts around others just for the sake of maintaining a facade.

    As far as no one getting handed anything, I would try to remind you that we are both the recipients of things we did nothing to deserve. For instance, I didn't work to feed myself for many years in my childhood (although I started to at the age of 15); I went to school for free thanks to our Government; I've used and abused the massive infrastructure that America has (roadways, electricity, plumbing, distribution system that provides us all with food we don't have to plant or harvest, and on and on); I've been given amazing opportunity thanks to the military – I didn't *do* anything to deserve this other than being born in America. Sure, I've worked hard, as I am sure that you have – but there are people in other nations who have worked just as hard if not harder and who end up far less advantaged merely because they weren't born into a nation with such great advantages. See what I mean?

    Also, I'm not always entirely regretful about the low quantity of love in my life – most marriages end in divorce and I've seen far more unhappy relationships than I have happy ones. I have been, in part, waiting for someone with whom I think I can build something lasting and meaningful – where we are both treated right. (I am a bit of a hopeless romantic.) I've always been more inspired to write when I'm in a sullen mood than an uplifting one, though, I suppose – perhaps that's why you get the sense that I've felt this way throughout life (and that's not all together incorrect, just sort of incomplete).

    Anyway. Sorry to chew your ear off! As far as a book goes, who knows. Writing about certain parts of my life – which I have purposefully NOT written about – will be painful. But… I do hate to disappoint old friends. 😛

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