La Mesa, CA
It is time for change. For a [half] year I’ve been wasting my life on video games and apathy. I am planning to leave everything on 1/1/2015 and tour the U.S. via train. I hope to keep a journal but also write my novel.
Today I must clean up my apartment, sort through things, [&] gather essentials. Listening to some Mozart for the first time. I will be writing everything by hand, I will not have a laptop or anything, and I will be staying in hostels.
I have not been doing my part regarding spiritual disciplines. I need to return to the habit of studying the scriptures, especially prayer. I need to eliminate the poison of lustful thinking.
[Pastor] thinks my journey should be called “In Search of All Good” or something. I don’t particularly agree. [I’m] just a Vagrant. My handwriting is awful and embarrassing to look at. Want to improve it – low priority.
Been procrastinating on cleaning. Time to eat and get to work.
14:36 PM PST
Did some sorting. Have a LOT of clothes and papers. Not much else. Found my birth certificate, will apply for passport tomorrow.
Realizing the list of people I want to see is short. Or can see, rather. Granted, I more want to write than I do visit.
This post was originally written by hand just hours before I checked myself into a psychiatric ward for the fourth (fifth if you count an ER visit that was over in one night) time, for suicidal ideations. Additional commentary not in the original handwritten manuscript will appear [in brackets].
[1 John:7-9]: But if we walk in the light as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of
Jesus Christ Yeshua Messiah His son cleanses us of all sin. If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.
[Your sins need only be confessed to the Holy Father, AHYH ASR AHYH or YHWH, in order to be forgiven. However, it can be edifying to confess your sins to fellow Christians, and that is why I have written this post. I hope you can join in my example and confess your sins publicly in the comments below, and feel the freedom it brings.]
I have sinned. When I was young, I came to hate my mother. Though I understood she had come from a massively abusive home and left at an early age; though I understood her first husband had left her to raise her first son on her own; though I understood she supported me and my sister on her own without child support from our father (her second husband), I could not forgive her the harsh words she spoke to me. I refused her love and refused to love her. And now I ask — Lisa, will you forgive me of this?
I have sinned. I have dishonored my father. I have spoken harsh words about his financial stewardship and refused to seek him out because he refused to seek me out. [I harbored bitterness and resentment for the way he seemingly abandoned our family.] I have refused his love and refused to love him. And now I ask — Ross, will you forgive me of this? Continue reading